Midnight Sentiments

The trouble is... I took a beautiful Sunday nap. And now I can't sleep. Never mind I stayed up after everyone was asleep to watch the Bachelorette; I can't watch trash like that when the kids are awake.

Either way, I'm here now. 12:27 am, on August 1st. Sitting in my parents' basement, with a million thoughts going through my head. I tried to wake up Casey and make him talk to me, but after my attempts failed, I figured it wasn't fair to him anyway, seeing as he has to be up in 4 and a half hours to get to work by 6 am.

And so, you out there in blogland get me. Not a very good version of me, but a post-Bachelorette, middle of the night, sort of nostalgic me. And, with me, you get my midnight sentiments.

Here it is.

We have been here for over a month now. "Living" with my parents has actually been quite nice. I'm not sure exactly how Casey feels about it, but under the circumstances, I am happy here for now. We had no idea we would sell our duplex, and especially not as fast as we did. Once we actually got an offer on the duplex, we were completely out in 3 weeks. There was nothing we could do about the situation, and we have felt VERY blessed to have even sold the thing. When we got the offer on the duplex, we were still under the impression that we were going to buy a HUD home or a foreclosure somewhere. But, in the 3 weeks between selling the duplex and moving out completely, our plans changed.

I know I say this a lot, but the Lord has a plan for us. And, I can't help but think that all of these things are part of our plan. We have had some big time blessings, and some different options opened up to us, making it possible for us to build our new home. Building has always been a dream for me, but up until now, there was no way it would work for us. So, once we moved from Ogden to my parents' basement, we started figuring out what we want in our new house. Casey drew up the plans, and they are currently being engineered so we can turn them into the city and get our building permit. We have a contractor that we LOVE, and we feel super good about how everything is working out with the house, even if we haven't technically started building it yet.

I would say we are a pretty happy little family right now. Besides being homeless. We are at a really good stage of life right now, and even though we have our crazy times, we are a happy bunch. I'm still pretty in love with Casey (think he'll read this?) and I think he still likes me a little bit too. Benson and Molly are both at such great ages, and everyday they make me laugh and sometimes scream.

Benson is nearly 4 years old and is starting to be so helpful (and cute). For a while there, he was really whiny, but that seems to be fading now. He's growing up, and getting to be such a good boy. It breaks my heart to see him not need me as much, but I also love that he is getting to be independent. He will start Soccer and Preschool in the fall, which seems so funny to me, because those are things that boys do, not babies like Benson... Except, I guess he isn't my baby anymore. He is such a funny kid, and he says the funniest things sometimes. He is excited for our new house so he and Molly can have goats. He's already named them Blaster and Pokey. His goat is Blaster, although when he first named it, it's name was Blastard.... We had a good laugh and decided to drop the D. Benson is a really nice kid, except when he hits, which is kind of a lot. He doesn't spend much time around anyone other than Molly and me, so when we're around other kids, he gets frustrated easily and sometimes he hits. I'm not much help, because sometimes I want to hit other people's kids too. We are working on it, though, and he really is doing better (me too). One thing I've noticed about Benson is that he hardly ever hurts Molly; at least not on purpose. Sometimes he'll wrestle with her and play rough, but he never means to hurt her. He is very protective of her, he shares with her, and I kind of think he might like her a little. He really is a loving kid, and has some pretty deep feelings. He doesn't like feeling like he's done something wrong, especially if he knows it's made someone feel bad.

Molly is 19 months old and is so sweet. She has been a pure delight from the beginning. She is at probably my favorite stage so far. She's just learning to talk, and pretty much repeats everything I tell her; but only if she wants to. She is a stong-minded little girl and doesn't really like being told what to do. She is usually just fine playing by herself and discovering things. She loves to open cupboards and drawers and get into everything she shouldn't. She still has bright red (curly) hair, and I think it's starting to soak in. Everyone asks me if she's a fire-ball, and up until recently, she has been really mellow. But now, she's starting to be quite the little firecracker. She knows when she wants something, and when she doesn't want something, and she will squeal and scream until she gets her way. She is a mommy's girl and doesn't like it when I leave her. We are having a really hard time getting her to go to nursery, in fact. Molly is a tender-hearted little girl, and she gets her feelings hurt easily. But, she is the toughest little thing I've ever seen, too. She can climb like no kid I've ever seen. She loves to run and jump and play as hard as the big kids. She doesn't know that she's tiny, and she thinks she can do anything. She loves to play with Benson and even when he plays rough, she is usually giggling. She has started to figure out that she can get him in trouble if she cries enough, and I sense that is something that will last a while. They are really cute together, though, and I love that they are starting to be little buddies.

I have felt a lot of joy in my family lately. Many of you probably heard about my sister-in-law's 25 year old brother who was killed in a bicycle accident just over a week ago. He was a good friend to both Casey and me, and always took the time to play with little Benson. I spent the morning of my 26th birthday at his funeral, and I wouldn't rather have been doing anything else. His funeral, and his life, were so uplifting to me. We will miss him, and we mourn with his family. But, his life has touched so many in such a short time, and I feel so grateful that I was able to know him and learn from his amazing example. I am inspired to be a little more kind-hearted, adventurous, friendly, generous, and fearless. But more than anything, I have gained a greater appreciation and love for my family. It's so sad that sometimes it takes a tragedy like this to remind me how grateful and lucky I am. I want to hold my children a little tighter and kiss their little cheeks a few extra times, because every day is a precious gift.

I know that life won't always be like it is in this moment. Although the endless amount of laundry will be forever ingrained in my mind, I'm sure I will start to forget the little things that I love so much about everyday of my life right now. I hope I never forget Molly's big brown eyes, and the way they sparkle when she gets into mischief. Or the way Benson giggles when I tickle him, and how he loves it when I stop what I'm doing and give him a little of my undivided attention. I always want to remember how they trust everything I tell them, and just holding my hand makes them feel safe. I will always treasure the way my kisses have the power to heal any wound, and soothe a broken heart.

Tonight I feel really lucky. Lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to be a mom to the amazing little spirits. And lucky to have the love and support of such an amazing family. God loves me. I can feel it. And guess what? If you take the time, I bet you'll feel his love in your life too.

nat