About to Lose it!

I lost it tonight. I Yelled. I did not talk forcefully, I yelled. At Benson. Then at Casey. I think I scared them both. I probably scared the neighbors, who most likely heard every word. There really wasn't good cause for yelling, besides that I lost it. I lost control. Control of my temper, control of the situation, control of this household, control of me. Sometimes I lose it, and I don't like it when I'm like that. In the moment, I knew that I was out of control, but for some reason, I could not figure out how to regain control once I had lost it. I hated myself for losing it. I hated that I was yelling and I hated the way Benson and Casey both looked at me while I was losing it.

I took a time out and I gathered myself together. I sat at the end of Benson's bed and I talked to him. Nicely. I explained to him that I feel really bad that he couldn't have a good mom. I told him that I wish he could have a nicer mom than me; who knew endless bedtime stories, could control everything going on, could think up fun activities and would never feel tired or angry, who would be a friend for her children and not some sort of monster. I told him how sorry I felt for losing it. And then he said "You are a naughty mommy."

And I am.

There is no taking back tonight. I wish I could. What even happened? How did I let myself get to the point where I think that it's OK to yell at my sweet little boy and my oh-so wonderful husband? I'm not sure where my breaking point is anymore, but it is far too soon than it aught to be. Sitting there, on the end of his bed, singing primary songs to him and rocking Molly to sleep, I kept thinking that I wondered what could make me better. How could I never get to this point again. I don't want to ever feel like I felt tonight when I looked into those huge, sad, blue eyes of my little boy. This isn't how I am supposed to be. I need to do better and the only way I can do better is by changing myself.

I thought about this video I had seen last week and how it made me feel so good then, but how I really needed it now. I know what I need to do. I need to be a better mom (and wife), and the only way I can do that is with the help of my Heavenly Father. I keep feeling like I should be able to do everything by myself, and then I feel disappointed when I can't. But it shouldn't be that way. I should rely whole-heartedly on the Lord. Along with Casey, He should be my partner in this. There is no reason to feel like I'm losing it. The Lord will help me. I know he will. I just need to let him. In this video, Elder Holland says "The very fact that you've been given such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you."

So I guess I can't lose it anymore. I've got a big responsibility here, I've got two little spirits relying on me and a Heavenly Father that trusts me. I can't blow it. I've got to do better. No, I've got to BE better. I can't be a naughty mommy anymore.